6 Ways to Find Out If You Are Not Drinking Alcohol

6 ways to know when a drink is NOT alcohol.

As learned from watch­ing fam­ily & friends over the years.

1. If it is wine it is not alco­hol.  I mean it almost goes with­out say­ing.  Think of all the table wines out there, they wouldn’t be on the table all the time if they were alco­holic?  Instead peo­ple would keep them away from kids & cer­tainly your Nana wouldn’t give you a juice glass at 8 years of age filled with wine if it had any alco­hol in it.  Nope, no way.
2. If it has ice in it.  Any­thing with ice gets so watered down that it’s prac­ti­cally impos­si­ble for it to be an intox­i­cant any­more.  That’s why your Aunt will ask you to get her some ice for her wine that came out of the box, it’s like the dou­ble whammy of not drinking.
3. If you drink it in the morn­ing or with a group at large fam­ily gath­er­ings.  Now this one I must admit I use to ques­tion but given I have seen many peo­ple do it and they all say it doesn’t count then it must be true.  It’s like a vor­tex of time & peo­ple around you that pro­tects you from ever actu­ally ingest­ing the alco­hol in your drink.  You ONLY think your Grandma who claims she never drinks got bombed at your wed­ding or greats you for brunch smelling like the local pub at happy hour.
4. If it’s mixed into a juice or soda.  The con­tents of the juice or soda totally negate the alco­hol.  I believe there is a sci­en­tific prin­ci­ple at work that causes this to hap­pen.  I have seen sev­eral women order Bloody Mary’s after stat­ing they aren’t drink­ing any­thing with alco­hol in it.  And yea that’s right Mrs. Fitz­patrick I’m look­ing at you.
5. If it’s beer.  Come on beer?  It’s more like a grain prod­uct than an alco­hol prod­uct.  Plus, if it’s light or like the aver­age Amer­i­can beer it’s really just fla­vored water. And every­one needs to increase their water intake.  I know I saw it on the Today show.
6. If it is in the form of one of those fruity addi­tives.  Like Schnapps or Wine Cool­ers. These types of con­coc­tions don’t even taste like alco­hol & if it doesn’t taste like it then it can’t be.  Sim­i­lar to when you decide to drink a bot­tle of NyQuil before going to bed only to find out the next morn­ing you passed out your kitchen floor, it couldn’t have been that NyQuil has alco­hol in it but that you were just really, really tired & decided to nap there.  You weren’t passed out & nei­ther is your best friend’s mom after she’s had her 10th glass of Peach Schnapps on the rocks.

Essen­tially it’s only alco­hol if it’s a shot of liquor.  But then again if you put ice in it, have it at a large fam­ily gath­er­ing, in the morn­ing, or if has the scent of a fruity addi­tive nearby then it might not count.

Now that I got that outta the way & put some minds to rest.  I am off to the store. I’ve got to go buy a box of wine, get the ice cubes chilled, invite some fam­ily over for brunch tomor­row (I am sure there some rea­son to cel­e­brate while we are at it), and make sure there is lots of light beer & Schnapps.  I wouldn’t want to dis­ap­point my guests by not hav­ing any­thing non­al­co­holic to drink.

Tagged as: 6 ways, alcohol, lists