poster available from despair, inc.
The school semester officially starts today for me, meaning I’m back in the classroom lecturing, grading and guiding students. While I love working with students and I love a good discussion about all things sociological, I can state without any hesitation that I do not love the schedule itself. It was set up many years ago after having Mr. J and at the time was seen as temporary, but given Mr. J is going to be seven soon temporary has become a way of life. You see we are split-shift parenting.
We trade off and one of us is pretty much always home. Hubby comes home while dinner is still cooking, we say “I love you” to each other, I list off a few things that I didn’t get the chance to do before leaving between working & caring for the kids, and things that he will do that night, then I leave. I go and teach my courses. I will usually eat dinner when I get home, after the kids are all asleep and Hubby is worn out from his long day at the office and his own “second shift” of work at home.
I am tired of this and so is Hubby. There are lots of pros to this arrangement that we’ve had the ability to benefit from over the years. Primarily cost, we do not have to pay for extensive daycare costs and we love that our children are always with one of us or a close family member or friend on the times when it doesn’t work out to have one of us at home. However, we also want to eat dinner together. The cons of feeling burned out and stretched thin are there as well. Like all family arrangements there are challenges. Some are different than others, but everyone has challenges.
For us, to try to deal with the challenges we’ve come up with a few things that have worked well. We do plan meals ahead of time. We text each other and talk on the phone once a day to just chat. And we make a commitment to have one date night a week at home so we can reconnect, we’ve also made more effort to go out once a month (usually) with the help of my sister-law and in-laws who often help by watching the kids. We plan activities with the children on the weekend as a family, we have our library hour and other activities that we do together with everyone there (obviously we also do a lot with the kids without the parent there). Yet, as a couple and as a family we are craving more time in the evenings and just more time in general that doesn’t feel as if it is stolen time.
So now I’m looking ahead to my four classes this semester and already thinking how much easier the weekends will be. But burnout is here and until we are in a different place with student loans the schedule isn’t going to change a whole lot, in terms of the workload and evening schedule itself.
And that leads me to ask…
Anyone else doing the split-shift out there? How do manage burnout? Even if you aren’t split-shift parents, burnout can still happen, how do you manage it?
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
With a blended family of teenagers burnout happens alot! We make sure we have time just us without kids and sometimes without the other one to refreshen!!
We need more time for ourselves as individuals, we are good at fitting it in as a couple but not as much for ourselves. Something other than sneaking a minute to play online or multitask.
Ugh…I’ve just been complaining about barely seeing my husband for a week at a time. Maybe I could live with it…but my daughter??? It seems like years ago life was easier…not so much need for a second income…We, too, have student loan issues (to the tune of $200,000) and, sometimes, I wonder if it’s worth it.
I also wonder if it’s worth it. If I could go back in time I’d have made very different decisions (as would Hubby) so we wouldn’t have ever ended up HAVING to stretch ourselves like this. It’s also very hard on the kids.
We don’t split shift. We are split, so he parents when he has them and I do when I do..which is like split shifting…sort of
Lee I’d imagine what you are doing is even harder. I don’t know if I could it.
I wish you all the best with your schedule. I can definitely understand being stretched really thin! The man works nights and I work a normal 9-5…which is really difficult when it comes to spending time together. Hopefully it won’t be this way for long!!
~WM
Hopefully it won’t be for too long. We’ve stretched it as long as we can.
No split-shift here. We are a struggling, one income family. Jack is a trucker, and I am the full-time caretaker of our special needs daughter, Emily. I think we are both exhausted.
That’s another part of it for us too Lisa, our kids don’t really “fit” with another model of parenting (without one of us home or a family/friend with them). Due to their needs (ASD) there are more “quirks” that make another setting not really possible.
Plus, carework is extremely exhausting anyway.
That sounds totally stressful. For both of you. But at least you both make it a point to carve time for the family and yourselves.
It is stressful & we are going to have to manage that for now. Until we are able to make it so I’m not teaching as much (2 classes) or maybe partially online courses (which I did when I was due with D-man).
My son is a year old and we have done split shift parenting the whole time. I am the father and I am asking that it come to a close. We did it because of the cost and I don’t care anymore. My wife will be spending more then 1/2 her salary on daycare. We would just quit but would need to go to a cheaper house and my wife has good benefits.
It has to end because I am at the end of my rope. For our marriage sake it has to end.
Don’t know how to manage it if it continued.
We do it three to four nights a week. It definitely takes its toll. We haven’t had a date night in months, so we arranged for a sitter. It takes a huge commitment by both parties to make it work. Some days are better than others.
{ 2 trackbacks }