It’s been a while since I wrote my kiss off letter to postpartum depression & I’m still not 100%. I’m better than I was, I’m stronger & have more perspective but 100% I am not. I’m close, really close to being able to just be me again all the time. But there are days I still work at trying to kick this bastard to the curb & he keeps trying to claw his way back to my door. It’s also weird because even as I write this I wonder if I should hit publish when I’m done. I don’t know why it’s still hard to write about or even talk about, but it is.
Even after wrote the PPD letter I felt a wave of shame wash over me. Like I had failed as a mother, I was a cliche. Here I was going into my thirties, with kids, and a cliche. A medicated mother struggling to be normal. Whatever the hell normal means. I think it means not wanting to fall asleep in a bathtub of water face down. Not because you want to die, but because you are TIRED. Tired of your body not feeling like your own, tired of feeling like you can’t make it through a day without crumbling into a ball of tears, tired of wondering why, and just plain tired.
AND I was so tired. I remember laying down in the tub, shower on my back and just feeling like I could fall asleep there. I didn’t want to die, no, I wasn’t there yet. Thankfully I wasn’t there. But I was feeling like getting out of that tub was too hard. I knew then that I needed help. The possibility that I would go into the rabbit hole and never come out haunted me. I couldn’t escape that haunting fear and when Hubby confronted me, tears in his eyes, fear in his voice, his loving hand gentle against the small of my back, I had to face it.
I face it still.
I do so because it is worth it.
I am worth it & I love myself.
Also, more than anything in this world love I them.
I love these wonderfully beautiful people I’ve been blessed to have in my life.
I love him.
I love him.
I love her.
I love him.
I thank God daily that I’m able to be awe struck every moment of every day by these gifts I’ve been given. I know that I can’t give myself to anyone else if I want to lay down in a tub to sleep or am swinging a bag of frozen meat at a book shelf. Oh, I didn’t share that story? Trust me once you swing frozen meat at a book shelf (poor, helpless, defenseless book shelf) it’s clear you need help. I needed help, I got it.
And so I’m looking forward to next month, one year post-baby, months after seeking help and I’m still here.
That bastard PPD can try his best to get me to take him back, but I’m not giving in.
I am not giving in. Not today.
I am not giving in. Not tomorrow.
I am not giving in. I’m here for long haul. I’m here to stay.
So, SUCK IT Postpartum Depression. SUCK.IT.
{ 40 comments… read them below or add one }
I have never had PPD because I adopted both of my children, so I can’t exactly relate to your specifics, but I do have a daughter that has Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD). She has a mild form, but everyday is still somewhat of a struggle. I, too had fallen down the rabbit hole (my exact words) and I needed help. It wasn’t that I was a bad mom, I was just an overwhelmed mom. I finally decided that it was OK to need help because a happy mommy is better than a mommy that lives in the rabbit hole. And if I was going to be a good mommy, then I needed to be present.
Keep your chin up!
The rabbit hole is a weird journey & one I’m still figuring out. I agree that a happy mommy is much better than a mommy in the rabbit hole. Thank you for sharing your story! Often people forget that it’s hard for moms across the board.
oh wow. great post. must have and still be hard to deal with. women are expected to do so much. I think if we had less on the plate…and didn’t have to give of our selves so fully, it wouldn’t be so hard. and only women understand…and even then, we’re not always the most supportive. good for you for getting and keeping your perspective.
Less on the plate would help. I also think maybe we lost our motherhood circle, maybe this world online is a way for us to get it back?
I battled PPD for a long time after my son was born and it was miserable. *HUGS* Hang in there. It will get better!!!
Thank you Michelle, it helps to read about those who have made it totally through to the other side.
You are not a cliche, you are amazing, and strong, and honest, and a fighter, and I am so proud of you for sharing this part of your story. Women need to hear that other women go through this and that there is hope and that there in NO shame. Men need to hear it too.
You’re going to make me cry, I am inspired by women like you! And I agree if I knew that you could go through this no matter if it was your 1st or your 10th baby then I think it would helped.
I think that it’s great that you share yourself like that. I had PPD after the birth of my second child and even though she is 3 and a half now, I think I still battle it at times. I think you are great!
It was so hard to put myself out like this, but really it is self-serving to speak it reminds me that I am the one in control not PPD.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Let’s all say it together – SUCK IT PPD! I think I’m starting to come out the other side, but I know all too well how you feel. It’ll get better. It has to, right?
Yes, let’s say it all together! Makes me think maybe we need a way to do that–for us to communally say “SUCK IT PPD”
I hope it does get better for you & me.
Thank you so much for sharing! I had PPD after my first baby and I felt so alone. All my girlfriends kept saying how wondering their lives we post baby and I just felt like mine was falling apart. Thankfully, God heals and help is there.
Yes, thankfully we do not do this healing and struggle on our own. Thank you for sharing your story too, it’s so hard when you know it’s supposed to feel differently than it does & to not know why.
Great post, Beth. I have struggled with PPD and continue to deal with it. It can be such a painful place. Thank you for telling your story. I absolutely believe that the more transparent we are, the more we empower others to seek help.
God bless you!
It can be such a painful place to be in. Your sharing your story & the other women here are so wonderful, you are right if we are transparent we can empower others too.
My sister was hounded by PPD too. So many women are. It’s great to have it out in the open. So that others will understand they are not alone. Thank you for the post.
Dana
Thank you, Dana for your kind words. I hope your sister is doing better now.
oh yes it sucks. Hang in there. I had perinatal depression with my second– I know it is not well known in the US, it is a depression that sets in while you are pregnant and makes you loath your bump to such horrible extremes. Sending you good vibes.
Perinatal depression is awful, I am so sorry you went through it. I agree that many people don’t know it exists but hopefully more people are becoming aware.
Thanks Beth, really love how your comments work, fab!
I came over from SITS to wish you a good Monday. I am glad I did, I might be just a random person but letting you know you are stronger then you feel.
Thank you for coming by! I appreciate your encouragement–sometimes a random person can be a very wonderful person.
Way to go girl! PPD can totally SUCK IT! You really will make it. You are so close. It’s normal to feel like you are falling backward sometimes, but you are almost there. Keep hanging in there, and come hang out with us at Postpartum Progress if you need support!
I know I commented over on the post on Postpartum Progress but I wanted to say thank you again. Thank you for your support and for the work you are doing raising awareness.
beth…loved reading your ppd letter and now this post- seems like you and I are kinda on the same timeline, I started my medicine the first of August after having my first in April 09, a precious baby boy who is the greatest gift and joy I’ve ever been given. I am so right there with, some days are still hard, but God is healing us and there is a reason for this journey and this pain. thank you for your transparency and kudos to your hubby for loving and supporting you, I wouldn’t have made it this far without my incredible husband, we are so blessed to have them!
Thank you for sharing your journey! I agree even amid this struggle we are blessed. It can be hard some days to focus on the good but really we are surrounded by it in those we love & who love us.
On many MANY days, I am write there with you sister. On my third episode of PPD and tired tired tired of it. Tired of wanting to cry. Tired of crying. Tired. It isn’t going to beat me either. Nope, not this time…
Nope it won’t beat you! It can try to wear you down but don’t let it, instead tell PPD to SUCK IT.
right there (sorry)
I’ve been fighting this betch for 18 months now….I so love your perspective on PPD in your letter. LOVED IT!!!
The strength that comes out of this post is awesome. You’re going to make it girl!! Thank you for sharing this.
Kimberly
Thank you, the letter was hard to write. Much harder than this post even.
Thank you for sharing your story I’m sure (from my own experience) the last 18 months has not been easy but you are kicking this betch to the curb.
Never feel ashamed for that bastard. It’s hard. It makes you feel horrible. It makes you feel like a horrible mom. But you’re fighting it. And that’s the most important part. Keep fighting the good fight. And email me if you ever need to talk.
You know I adore you. I really do. The same offer is there for you to email me anytime you need it. We mommas need to stick together.
Really great post Beth. Although I have not suffered from PPD, I certainly do have my personal battles with depression – thanks to a family line of women that suffer from it. I’m glad to hear you won’t give that PPD the benefit of winning.
Thank you Joanne. Depression sucks. But we don’t have to let it win, PPD or any depression for that matter.
Beth,
I am so thrilled I found your blog. It takes courage to write about PPD and I thought your article was inspiring and honest but also full on inner strength. I suffered with PPD for a year after my second daughter was born. There seemed to be more dark moments in that 1st year than light. It’s so difficult to understand the awful things that can happen during PPD. But recognizing it, treating it, and then being honest with it helped me a lot. I think you will definately kick PPD in the ass, and I am so happy that you are talking about it. I think other mom’s out there need to know they are not alone. Great Post, and thank-you for sharing your story!
I can relate to your every emotion in this post. I was diagnosed with PPD after both of my kids… and still sometimes feel it coming back. and unless you’ve gone through it you cannot explain the emotion and the shame and guilt you feel.
Its an uphill battle– but it can be over come.
This is a good read. I just hope that all the moms (and dads) out there experiencing postpartum depression will see their self-worth as early as possible. Love yourself guys!
I can so relate to this post! I have had the worst year oh my life battling with PPD. My daughter just turned one and I am still not 100%. It is so wonderful to read stories like this and know that you are not alone.
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