I told Mike that he rarely lets me take a photo of him.  His response was to tell me he took a self-portrait. Yep, that is him behind the camera and through the looking glass.

Lately I feel like I am trying to run a marathon but not able to make it to the finish line. I am hitting the wall. Or maybe the wall hit me?!

I walk into room after room feeling uninspired {to put it mildly} by what I need to accomplish. I stare at the piles of papers to sort through, emails that need answered NOW!, and the endless household tasks that need to be done {yesterday}. But my motivation isn’t there. Same goes for a million other things. Carving out time for what I need to get done isn’t what I want to do, even if it is what I need to do. I guess, I just feel burned out again. Ugh, shouldn’t I have figured out how to NOT burn out by now?

I just want to enjoy the time I have with my children & not worry about all the other things I should be doing. I want to snuggle in the couch next to my husband, enjoying the end of the day. Taking in the quiet after everyone is down the for night. Devote time to write, to create and to live the moment in all I do. To merely be present. But instead my mind and days rush by.

And part of this is I don’t want to rush out when Mike comes home so I can teach, I don’t want to rush to meeting after meeting. It is frustrating, because I do enjoy work but I don’t enjoy the added stresses or way it has been structured. Instead after all these years we are still split-shift parenting. And I am feeling a little {a lot} stuck in this holding pattern for work, family, life & it isn’t working any more. It just isn’t. Mike completely agrees something needs to change but what, how, when are all hard to define. I know this part of life, and I know sometimes we must do what is needed even if unwanted. But it is harder some days than others.

I cannot believe that Mike and I have been married for 10 years.  Ten years ago we said “I do” officially for the first time, after 4.5 years together, and a two year engagement we {finally} became legit. We also looked like babies. Seriously. Babies.

It has been 10 years of ups & downs, laughter & tears, welcoming new life & saying good-bye too soon and of all the joy that life can hold found in the chaos of the everyday.  We have been enjoying a {very} well loved life together. A life with no take backs and full of new beginnings. I cannot wait to see what the next 10 years brings & I am so thankful I get to spend my life with my best friend.

And to think there was a time we both were terrified of finding “The One”, silly kids.

Last night it was so quiet before bed.  I was surrounded by sleeping children, nursing the baby down and Mike was working on a project late into the night. He would come up from the basement every now and again to talk with me and to share in the quiet moments of the night.  It was simple and reminded me of the beauty in slowing down. In just being.  Not rushing to throw in that last load of laundry or run behind everyone else to see what needs to be put away.

I just was.

It turns out I have been pushing myself a little too much since the baby was born.  Not emotionally but physically.  I had my postpartum checkup and was reminded that I can slow it down some.  I didn’t think I was moving too fast.  In fact, quite the opposite I feel like I have been taking it too slow!  But my body decided to tell me otherwise by giving me the cues a new mother, no matter if she has just had her first or 52nd child (could you imagine!), has to let her know she needs to take her steps wisely. With going back to work, activities restarting and the rushing of the new season I may have jumped back in with too much gusto.

So, last night I took the advice to take a step back.  And I did just that. I rested, feet up, baby nestled close and the sounds of the night starting to filter all around me. While I was sitting there I realized I also haven’t been taking enough time to feed my soul lately.

I haven’t been taking the time to grow in my passions, to be thankful, to be prayerful, and to enjoy the simple pleasures around me or to simply be.  However, I am also reminded that with every season whether it is the fall arriving with its harvest moon or welcoming a new life into family a new beginning is awaiting.   A beginning that takes time to refill, refresh and reinvigorate the soul with the fresh cool breeze of Autumn.

This blog post is also alternately titled–> Things you never want your husband to ask you after he has washed and dried your clothes with his.

“Hey, Honey?”

“Yah?”

“Um, your pink sweater, the cardigan one, is it supposed to have 3/4 inch sleeves?”

“Why?”

“Uh, no reason.”

It may be time for a new sweater or two.

“She’s right there! You can do it, I love you!”  He was there the entire time supporting, loving & helping me as she came into this world.  He will be there the entire time for her doing the same.

And for her part, she let him change not one but ALL of her brand new meconium tar-poop filled diapers at the hospital.  She already knew she had him wrapped around her finger, smart girl.

She will also fit right in with her brothers & sister. All of them decided to poop whenever Mommy was in the bathroom at the hospital. So, Daddy got to have all the tar-poop filled diaper changing fun.

When Mike & I first started dating & living together i remember listening to this song wondering…

After all, love can’t happen and when it does it can’t last, especially young love. Doubts seeped in & during the hard times I’d wonder if we’d think about how hard we tried.

Turns out I was wrong.  Love can happen.  It can last.  Even in the moments when you think about how hard you’ve tried. Doubts don’t write your love story, you do.  Together you write it in all you try and all you do.   And we’ve written one in the quiet of our lives that neither Mike nor I would trade for the world.

But this is still a beautiful song.  And I love what this young woman did with the photos…

Song is Both Hands by Ani DiFranco

I woke up to “MOMMMMMY!!” and D-man jumping on the bed.  I barely opened my eyes, to see it was still a quarter to 7.  Ugh. Mike was finding socks for work.  I then made the error of asking how he was doing. Turns out his morning was looking like most my days.

While trying to take his 10 minute shower Mamacita woke up.  Knocking on the door calling “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy…” he told her to wait a minute because after asking several times what she needed she only answered “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy…” and he told her he would be out.

When he came out she pointed to the kitchen while simultaneously informing him she had needed to use the bathroom.  Of course this is after waiting for 3 minutes too long and she no longer needed to “use” the bathroom.

Then he looked over to the kitchen in the direction Mamacita pointed, with the gate locked, to see D-man who had not been in the kitchen before Mike got in the shower. But had managed to get one of the older boys, who also woke up while Mike was showering, to let him in.

He was playing with my phone.  Chances are he may have made several calls all to my Dad who panicked and thought the worst, like we were lying in a ditch somewhere with only D-man to call for help, because for some reason whenever D-man gets my phone he calls my Dad who always thinks the worst.

There may have been spilled milk.  Spilled cheerios. And who knows what else except it was a hot mess.  Maybe that’s where Jimmy Hoffa’s been; under the mess of kids in the morning.

After this, Mike broke up several arguments over which kid let D-man in.  All pointed the finger at D-man at some point, a kid who can’t even figure out how to work his juice cup but he can now work his way into a kitchen via a locked wooden gate.  Somehow Mike didn’t buy it.

He then dealt with “I don’t want that!!” “No, that!!” and on and on when it came to breakfast outside of the spills.

By the time he made it to get socks he looked ready for a nap.  I could relate. I barely opened my eyes up and I was already ready for one.

On the way downstairs, we heard Mr. G ask about his oatmeal.  Turns out it had too much water.  Instead of listening to us and waiting for help, we could easily fix it.  Mr. G decided to dump the bowl and attempt his own redo.  Problem is he dumped it all over the sink & the few dishes we didn’t get to last night.  Which meant immediate intervention or oatmeal glue would set in.

Mike looked at me and said “I was in the shower for 10 minutes and all hell broke out.  I was upstairs for 5 minutes getting socks and an oatmeal disaster strikes.  How do you manage this during the day?”

My answer was “Uh…”

Turns out I’m a brilliant orator, I mean Uh… is brilliant stuff.

I then kissed my lovely husband because he asked how I do it,which means he knows it’s hard work.

After Mike drove away, I looked out the window at the rain and heard “Mommy…I spilled my milk.” “Mommy, I want something else to eat.” “Mommy, is it OK if D-man spit up milk on the table?”  And then D-man’s ““MOMMMMMY!!”

Uh…

The other day Mike was listening to his i-Pod in the kitchen.  He was listening to this song.  I love this song. I adore Kings of Leon. He recently realized that he also adores Kings of Leon & also this song.  This just might make up for the Canada Dry incident.

The other day my husband dropped a bomb on me.  I wasn’t prepared for it & feel it was a total change in who I thought he was.

He admitted he likes Canada Dry Ginger Ale better than Vernor’s Ginger Ale.

Vernor’s if you don’t know this originally started in Detroit.  It’s a hometown favorite because of the history.  It’s required to like.  I remember having Vernor’s Ice Cream and of course the Famous Boston Floats both of which I use to get at the Stroh’s Ice Cream Parlor near where my grandparents lived as a very young child (a parlor that I don’t think has been open in a good 20 years & WOW side bar here: I’m getting OLD).

And before now we’ve always agreed or so I thought.

After nearly 14 years together he suddenly disagrees!

HOW CAN THIS BE???

Seriously. I don’t know how to wrap my head around how he made this change.

He says it happened after, you know, just giving it a try again.  He had it as a kid but he figured it wouldn’t hurt to try again.  Just once.  Why not? I mean one time couldn’t hurt.  He says he wasn’t trying to change, he thought he’d try it that one time & then come right back. And well then it became another time and before he knew it was buying it ALL.THE.TIME.

I love him and I think I may have to accept this change.

But still it hurts.

For the love of all that is holy in this world it hurts.