1999
We had decided it was time to move. Again.
Third time’s the apartment charm.
And so we began to look around. This time we were looking to move outside the City. We were leaving Detroit.
It was bittersweet. I was excited to move. I was tired of the lack of grocery stores & strange men on our porch. I was ready for a change & after the whole Alex situation I no longer felt comfortable at my old work. Turns out Sarah wasn’t fond of me, go figure. Mike was also ready for a change. He wanted to be able to go for evening walks & not think of where we should or shouldn’t walk.
But at the same time in our excitement and readiness for something different we were going to miss the City we met each other in. The City we shared our first apartment in. The City we started a home in.
After looking at about 100 apartments I got a call at my new work. I was working as an optician & it was almost 9. He told me that he had seen a small apartment with two bedrooms, a basement space with laundry in it that we’d have free access to. Plus, it was just over a $100 more than our current rent, something we could actually afford.
It sounded like a dream.
Especially since all the other places we’d seen had been 1 bedrooms, with no storage, laundry was an arm & a leg (first-born for using the dryer) at twice the cost of our current place. I think if we had each sold a kidney we’d have been golden for those places.
I could go & see it on my way home. He gave me the number & after I finished talking to him I called. I was on my way to see the apartment within the next 15 minutes.
It was one of two apartments on the back of a building being used for the landlord’s real estate business. The neighborhood was quiet but near everything. I walked up the stairs into the apartment. It was small in its layout, not as much space as the current Detroit place but the basement area & laundry made up for that. I mean a washer AND a dryer! And we didn’t have to pay extra for it. It was included.
It was perfect. I told her that I loved it. Within a month we were moved in. Little did we know this was the apartment that we’d change & grow in ways that we could only dream of.
[this is part of my “how I met your father” series]
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1999
Friday came and went. Saturday came and went. I thought that after telling Mike about what Alex said that maybe it was for nothing. I had opened up this big hole in our life by telling him. But I couldn’t NOT tell him, what happened if Alex showed up? I’d have to explain that & I had nothing to keep secret.
So I told him. He was uncomfortable, but not upset. He knew where I stood.
Then Sunday arrived.
The day was almost over, it was late. I was waiting for Mike to come home & the phone rang. I thought it was him, he was calling on his way home. I answered it.
It wasn’t Mike.
“I’m outside.”
Alex said it so plainly, so matter of fact. How do challenge a fact when you don’t know what it really means?
I didn’t know what to say.
“I’m inside. Guess you know that, since you called me. How come you’re calling me?”
Duh, I knew the answer. Why, why, why do I ask questions that I don’t want to know the answer too. Hadn’t I learned ANYTHING?!
“I’m leaving tonight. Have you thought more about what I said? ”
I was so quiet, I didn’t want to answer that question. My voice felt like it had been sucked from my body. Why was he waiting? Then for some reason I had Richard Marx in my head. Why does my mind always create a soundtrack to every event. Seriously, this is an illness of some sort. It must be. I couldn’t focus on what was happening, but there was Casey Kasem playing Richard Marx of all people in my head. Trust me, Casey even did an intro. Seriously, it’s gotta be an illness WHO THINKS LIKE THIS?
Finally I realized I had to answer. I mean the song is only so long. And I found my voice.
“I am staying here. I’m where I want to be, I love him. I’m happy, I don’t want to leave. I’m sorry Alex, I don’t know what else to really say. I feel bad because you are a really great guy, but I’m not the one.”
He was quiet, then laughed a little.
“I guess you know where you want to be then. I hope we could be friends still, maybe catch up when I’m visiting or whatever.”
“Yeah, sure.”
“I hope he knows what he has with you.”
“I think he does, have a safe trip Alex.”
With that, we both knew that even if we talked again, it wasn’t going to be the same. Sometimes that’s the risk of putting yourself out there, you never know the outcome, but there’s no turning back.
As I got off the phone, I heard Mike’s key in the door. He was home. And I was more certain than ever before that my home was with him.
[this is part of my “how I met your father” series]
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1999
As I sank deeper into my chair, eyes wide but unable to see anything clearly I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. How could he say the words “feel” & “about you” in the same sentence? I couldn’t find words, I just stared at Alex. Seriously, when did it get so hot in here? Forget holding my feet to fire it felt more like a burning flame across my entire being. I could feel my face becoming flushed with the heat of discomfort.
“It’s just that I’ve felt for a while like if I was going to leave & not tell you how I felt that I’d regret it so I’m telling you. I think I’m falling in love you with you.”
Oh, God. This can not be happening. It has to be a dream. Plain & simple. Things like this don’t happen to me. Things like this don’t happen to real people, they happen in 1980s movies.
The voice in my head was screaming: No!!!No!!!No!!! Please, let me wake up. That’s it, I will just wake up. My eyes closed for a minute. When I open them I’ll be awake.
I opened them. Turns out I was always awake. Damn it!
Alex was intently looking at me. He wasn’t smiling, just looking. He looked like a man on a mission.
I felt like a woman pinned by reality. I can’t do this. I think I just swallowed my heart as it jumped up into my throat only to have “falling in love” push it back down. Plummeting down to my stomach, like the elevator cable snapped & there was my heart crashing down.
“Alex, I’m not sure what to really say. I mean, we don’t really even know each other. It’s not that I don’t think you’re great, you are. But, um, I don’t want to hurt you.”
But before I could finish he cut me off.
“I know you’ve said before you love him, but how can you know that you really love him? How do you know he really loves you? How do you know that it is forever?”
Before I could answer I was again interrupted, this time not by Alex. I heard the restaurant door open & a voice call out to me. As light hit his face there stood Mike, smile shining across his face, walking toward us. My mind began to race. Oh, this isn’t good. This is bad. This is very bad.
Alex leaned forward & whispered “If you change your mind. I’m leaving this weekend. You can come with me. I will stop by before I go.”
With that he stood up and walked away.
“Hey, are you ready to go? Is everything OK? You look like you don’t feel well. Did that guy say something to upset you?” Mike asked.
I looked at him & for a second I thought I didn’t have to say anything. I had nine lives. That semi-truck that just ran me over & backed over me didn’t end me. I had more lives. I could go on to live another day. I could ignore it. I could just ignore everything & go home without ever telling him what happened. Like a dream that drifted away upon waking. But I couldn’t do that. Alex would show up & what would I do then?
“Can I talk to you when we get home? Or at least not here. I don’t want to talk here anymore.”
“Anymore? Uh, OK.”
He got quiet & looked at me with a confused smile. God, I loved him. I stood up with him, grabbed my things & out we walked into the cool evening breeze. Together we walked out. Together.
Knowing I had to tell him what happened. Knowing Alex would show back up. What was he going to say, what would he do? Wondering how I ended up here. I felt like I was a walking movie, all I kept thinking was how John Hughes would have written this so much better. I mean SO much better. Because this was just awkward, this had no funny lines or witty dialogue, this was my life.
[this is part of my “how I met your father” series–if you love a love story feel free to dive on in]
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