I am almost done with the semester. I can see the finish line!!

Well, maybe not the finish line. But at least a place to rest for a bit before I have to get going again.

As a student I would dread finals and the rush to get everything done before the end of the semester. Absolutely dread it! But now as the instructor I cannot wait for it, right around Thanksgiving the fact that the end is around the corner begins to set in.  I look forward to it with glee. Not because I don’t enjoy my students or the classroom because I do.  I also enjoy  the other projects I work on, I believe in them. But do ya know what happens after the end? What happens once all the papers and exams are graded, the emails answered & the submit button hit?

Winter Break!

Meaning relaxing, reading for pleasure, watching movies under a blanket at night with the kids all snuggled with us, spiked eggnog, wrapping Christmas gifts & trimming the tree, cookies & stockings hung in a row, and awaiting to rejoice at Christmas Eve Mass & so much more.

I am excited for the break. The chance to refresh, restart and recharge.  I am trying (there’s that word again!) to not think about how I have to start back on my feet again with the winter term.

Instead…

I’m looking forward to next week.

And did I mention there will be cookies? And spiked eggnog? Oh yeah, I am so ready.

Lately I feel like I am trying to run a marathon but not able to make it to the finish line. I am hitting the wall. Or maybe the wall hit me?!

I walk into room after room feeling uninspired {to put it mildly} by what I need to accomplish. I stare at the piles of papers to sort through, emails that need answered NOW!, and the endless household tasks that need to be done {yesterday}. But my motivation isn’t there. Same goes for a million other things. Carving out time for what I need to get done isn’t what I want to do, even if it is what I need to do. I guess, I just feel burned out again. Ugh, shouldn’t I have figured out how to NOT burn out by now?

I just want to enjoy the time I have with my children & not worry about all the other things I should be doing. I want to snuggle in the couch next to my husband, enjoying the end of the day. Taking in the quiet after everyone is down the for night. Devote time to write, to create and to live the moment in all I do. To merely be present. But instead my mind and days rush by.

And part of this is I don’t want to rush out when Mike comes home so I can teach, I don’t want to rush to meeting after meeting. It is frustrating, because I do enjoy work but I don’t enjoy the added stresses or way it has been structured. Instead after all these years we are still split-shift parenting. And I am feeling a little {a lot} stuck in this holding pattern for work, family, life & it isn’t working any more. It just isn’t. Mike completely agrees something needs to change but what, how, when are all hard to define. I know this part of life, and I know sometimes we must do what is needed even if unwanted. But it is harder some days than others.

I really don’t want to leave, not even for a minute.  But it’s back to work this week. Back to life as usual.

Why did summer have to end so soon?

Over the weekend we did a lot of work around the yard & house.  It’s the start of our Spring cleaning & preparing for having people over for our oldest son’s First Holy Communion in a few weeks.   While Mike was checking out the backyard by our garden area he found himself knee deep in the yard.  Thankfully he didn’t twist an ankle, break a leg or have one of the kids fall in.

This hole appeared under his foot suddenly.  As in one minute he was standing on what seemed to be firm ground & the was up to his knee in wet Earth.  Turns out having the Earth open up & swallow you whole isn’t just an expression.  AND that means we have added another project to the already growing list because we can NOT have random sink holes in the yard, it’s just not kosher.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve passed the mid-way point of my pregnancy or life in general has picked up again or Spring hasn’t quite come to our area yet but I’m feeling stretched.  As in pulled like Gumby in a million directions except I’m human and Gumby was made to stretch.

Maybe I’m more like an inflexible, poorly organized, Gumby with the occasional hot temper who forgets where she puts her keys regularly or has a toddler who puts them in her shoes only for her to find after a solid hour of searching.

And the other day I was again faced with the reality that I am not how I always seem.

I had someone tell me I was a “superwoman, a real super-mom!”

But…

I. AM. NOT.

Instead I’m human, merely a regular old human woman. I don’t do everything and I don’t everything I do well all the time.

In fact, somedays I look around and realize there is laundry that has been in a basket for weeks that I forgot we even had (maybe that means we don’t need those clothes?) and there’s an important email that I forgot to send, even though I wrote it.

Today I’m actually looking forward to July.  I have nothing on my plate that’s due except the final days of gestating & birthing. Even with the fears that linger about the possibility of postpartum depression again (although we’re taking  a lot steps to ensure I don’t fall into that hole again) I’m looking forward to the season with less and yet more at the same time.  Less outside work, less running here & there for everyone and more at home, more relaxing and more enjoying the lazy days of summer.

A season where I don’t have to worry about letting anyone down because the tests are too hard, the report isn’t properly collated or that email couldn’t wait five minutes from when it was received to when it was sent before all Hell broke lose.

A season where I can just be.  Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend and Lover of Life.

July isn’t too far away…

What I love is when you get the call, email or meeting that suddenly changes your deadline from 6 months from now to:

“Can I have that report by the end of the week?”

Um, what????

Oh, how I love it so much! In fact, I have a bunch of words that I want to respond with just to show my love.

However, none of those words I can put into print because I’m a lady (I’ll say, shout or gesture them but print them I dare not!) but you can use your imagination.

It’s foggy out. Again. I didn’t realize it had been foggy at all this week in the morning because I didn’t pay attention.  Why? I don’t have to drive in the morning anymore.  No one to rush off to school so I didn’t pay any attention to how visibility was outside my house.  I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.  But I’m looking forward to not having to bundle everyone up, rush out the door & drive in the snow as a start to the day this year.

It’s funny the things I’m happy about with each passing year.  When I was 16 it was the ability to drive, now the ability not to HAVE to drive causes me to get all giddy. There might even be a thrill up my leg. I also look forward to when my kids can drive themselves to activities & I don’t have to. Of course I look forward to that with both excitement & TOTAL.PANIC!  Because really my kids are going to be teens? and drive? and um, yeah, the rushing of time panics me!

As for our homeschool it’s still going surprisingly well. I am surprised because I was prepared for all out chaos to set in (maybe that happens in February?).  In reality, we’ve moved into the life of a homeschooling family as if we’ve always done this.  Of course we had some adjustments in the beginning to figure out what rhythms & routines worked best for our family.  I also had to let go of what I thought school & certain traditions for back to school should be & just go with what is. Living in the moment has always been my hardest challenge.

OK, we still have the “I DON’T WANT TO” complete with exaggerated sighs (Ok, this is really just my oldest Mr. J) but overall a smooth transition.  Mr. J is finally finding his words to describe his days & he discovered that he loves the guitar as part of music.  I mean LOVES it.  Right now he is using Daddy’s guitar & he may have his head explode if knows what Christmas holds for him.

Mr. G is reading.  Really truly reading. I had those moments of terror that he would NEVER read because in Kindergarten now kids have to read War & Peace in Russian & English no less!  When I was Kindergarten we were learning how to sit in a chair.  And so I panicked envisioning him needing me to go with him to work when he’s 30.  But turns out he’s reading just fine & trying to read everything he can get his hands on.  I’m sure that will make him a happy 30 year old when he doesn’t have Mom tagging along to everything he does.  Might be a little weird.

Mamacita is learning letter sounds, numbers, and patterns.  She begs everyday to do more work.  I can’t keep up with her, at 4.5 years old she has a drive for learning that causes me to need a nap.  I can’t keep up.  Seriously. I can’t. She’s a machine. (I picture her shouting in teenage angst I.AM.NOT.A.MACHINE one day after reflecting on me calling her a machine).

Baby-man, the D-man, he’s building blocks & learning more words everyday.  Being a toddler is hard work. Like he’s even got to work at being cute on the weekends.  Duuude it’s, like, hard being a kid.

Kids have outside activities they are enjoying too.  I don’t keep them chained to the house all day, only some of the day.  (I kid. I kid.) I’m glad we’ve found a few things for them to have that are good fits for them.

As for my teaching load this semester it’s going well.  But I’m not going to lie, I’m excited for the end of the semester & the holiday break.  I love that we’ll get some time to settle around Christmas together without me having to rush off in the evening. On the days I teach it’s hectic & makes me think how easy it would be to not have to rush off.  My classes are looking solid for the Winter semester. I may have 3, if all 3 go.

Some days (most days now) I wonder if I couldn’t make the same living just writing. Right now I don’t. I don’t even make enough for a Starbucks Coffee Drink (those things have gotten really costly!).  AND so it’s a big leap to shift gears to “living” talk.  I’m not a big shifter, I’m slow like a turtle when it comes to decisions.  It’s why I order the same meals when I’m out to eat. If I try to change it up I just stare & before you know it everyone else has gnawed off a table leg because days have gone by without food. I think it may be time to make up my mind & just order.

Speaking (or is it writing?) of food I think I’m going to make some chocolate chip muffins either today or tomorrow.  It feels like a chocolate chip muffin time of year.  Mamacita suggested making them & said it could be part of school. She got her brothers in on the idea who offered it would be counting, measuring & learning baking skills.  They’re smart ones using chocolate as education.  Chocolate also offsets panic.  Mmm…chocolate.   I should order chocolate…

Woke up in one of those moods.  I don’t know what it is this morning.  If maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed or if it’s all the things I saw around me when I got up.  You know the never-ending list of things.

THE

Laundry

Dishes

Grading

Emails

Articles

Research

Bills

Teaching

Learning

Meals

Beds

Floors

On & On

The list that always grows making me think of one word.  One simple word.  One word that I could shout from the rooftops today!

I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.  Part of the reason I used the word confused in my blog title here is because I AM confused.  Mike has joked with me for years that I’m a confused homemaker, complete with degree in hand & a drive to do try to do it all even if I’m not sure I want to. I’m in a perpetual state of confusion. I’ve been this way for my whole life.  I’m pretty sure I came out of the womb like this.  I think there are pictures of me as a baby wringing my hands over which toy to play with next.

I STILL have no idea what I want to be when I grow up in terms of a career.  All I know is that I hope I’m a good person who loves life & loves the people around her fiercely well.  And maybe that is enough? Maybe that’s what we are supposed to be doing here? What I’m supposed to be doing?  You’d think by now I’d have figured this out.  But maybe no one ever figures it out?  Maybe that’s part of all this.  We’re all working our way through “it” & just doing what we love & loving is what “it” is. It’s that deep love that when we die we hope & pray to be bathed in, the good we’ve done  & been a part of.  Or maybe I’m just telling myself that to feel better.

I don’t know what I’m doing.  Here, in life, or even with my coffee. See, it might be time to try a different creamer. I should probably (finally) stop using creamer, but I’m not going to.  Ever. I once attempted it.  I lasted about 5 minutes.

And really right now I’m having a hard time but not with my creamer. I decided if I want a creamer I’m going to have it.  Even if it’s flavored. A girl’s gotta have something to smile about.  But I might go with a different flavor, who knows? I’m a wild woman. OK, not really I’m a creature of predictability & comfort.  Messing with that causes me to become a panic stricken ball of nerves.

Instead, my nerves are already going into overdrive.  Work is not something I’m smiling about.  I went from feeling pretty awesome about work earlier this summer to having set backs hit one after the other.

Due to low enrollment I am teaching less, suddenly, turns out when people are looking to go back to school in a down economy sociology isn’t their first choice.  I know CRAZY!  I mean look how far it’s gotten me. Oh wait, I might not be the best walking campaign given the whole work reduction factor.

Because not only am I not teaching as much I’m not doing enough other work.  And it turns out work is something we need me to do, even if the evening teaching are not something we’re excited for me to do.  Yes, I have complained about how hard it is to split-shift parent because I do enjoy seeing my kids with my husband & having dinner together BUT there are bills & various expenses that need to be paid.  Money does that, money I earn helps pay student loans for example. My good looks, charming personality or lack of dance-off skills doesn’t.

As part of the underemployed PhD route I also learned funding for a research position I have been working in on & off for a few years has not come through.  Yet.  I’m praying Yet.  If not Yet then I’m going on a creamer binge to calm my nerves over money. That or another career must be opening up & this is all part of some cosmic plan to lead me to a new path.  However, I’m guessing I better stock up on creamer.